on my mind

I had my routine ultrasound done mid December and I really didn't think much of it. I haven't had Josh go with me to these appointments since Levi. But when I got to my doctor's visit next, I was surprised to hear that there were some concerns with the baby and they needed an additional ultrasound in Calgary to get more information. They had found some edema on the skin as my doctor put it.

I wasn't too concerned; the doctor didn't seem to be. But when Calgary called back and booked me first thing the following Monday, I thought, yikes, maybe this might be a big deal. I was strong and didn't google anything and kept my thoughts from worrying and wandering. Then my dear mother decided to google what they saw on the ultrasound, and found out that what I had was a marker for Down's Syndrome. When I learned that, I can honestly say that it wasn't really a big deal to me. I was happy the baby had a full heart and lungs etc. So then I googled it, and learned way to much info, and that swelling on the skin can mean a whole boat load of complications and birth defects. Reading up on it, several of these women were encouraged to have abortions by their family members or doctors for the complications that my ultrasound was flagged for. Without getting into gruesome detail, some of these mothers were told horrifying stories of the suffering their babies would endure upon birth.

So I drove up to Calgary and Monday morning my sister came with me and got to see her first ultrasound. At this point I still wasn't too worried. When the tech came back the second time to get more pictures, I really started to worry. Then we had to wait and wait for the doctor to come and give us the results. Blah! Did I ever feel ill. But he came in and gave us the great news that he could see no complications or markers or anything at all on the ultrasound. He said that what was there the week before either cleared up on its own or was never there to begin with.

So I felt thankful, and guilty. Not everyone going into that maternal ultrasound clinic that day was going to receive such great news. But I also felt sort of indifferent. I had accepted my baby the way he/she is. I was praying for strength to have the capacity to deal with whatever lay ahead, not for the baby to be perfect and healthy. So now I felt guilty not only for receiving the good news, but also for not being properly grateful for it. It was a very emotional week sorting out my feelings. I feel so blessed to have the guidance and reassurance of the Holy Ghost in my life so that when things aren't going the "right" way, that I can still feel peace and love coming from my Heavenly Father.